Blog Talk to Steph

Is it ok for a lady to make the first move?

Hello Stephie,

There’s something I need to find out: is it right for a woman to make the first move and ask a man out for a love relationship, especially in a society like Nigeria? There’s a man that I like so much, thinking of him makes my heart leap! The first time we met was at a business seminar, I sponsored myself to that conference but he was sponsored by the company he works for. We were paired many times during the workshops and we talked a bit about various things. I find him breath-taking! I am very single but he is in a relationship (not engaged, just a regular relationship). Now we see as regularly as our work can allow us and we catch up for drinks and movies; but I want to be more than a friend. He isn’t making any romantic gestures towards me, and all the advances I make he does not seem to notice. What do I do – kill my hopes of ever having him OR go all out and ask him out?  And if I have to ask him out, how do I do it? Do I just come out and say it? I have a feeling we will be great together! Please tell me what to do because if he says No, I don’t think I’ll be able to cope! – Patricia

 

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76 Comments

  • Reply
    Dabi
    December 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Ohhh its easy. After a movie or a date or something when he goes to drop u off act lyk u got lost in d. Moment for a second and kiss him then apologise and walk away. I repeat WALK AWAY. The relationship should kick off from there with him making the moves if he’s interested. And I think its lovely if a girl makes the first move

    • Reply
      Tobi Adepoju
      December 12, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      loollz

  • Reply
    LOVESTEST
    December 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I don’t see any tin bad dere,open up ur mind 2 d guy tel him wat u hav in mind nd if he say no walk away nd continue 2 be a normal frnd.

    • Reply
      berry
      December 13, 2012 at 8:19 am

      It won’t be easy being friends wif him after pouring ur hrt $ he’s not interested. I ll feel really bad

  • Reply
    Adedayo
    December 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Pls ask him out. What have u got to lose?

  • Reply
    collins
    December 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Its cool to express yourself but you have to be prepared if he’s not into you like you r into him. I personally believe it will ease the feelings you have for him in telling him..*anyhow

  • Reply
    Sharon Adjoa Amanda
    December 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    well for me is very hard to ask a guy out so what i will suggest she do is get close to the guy and find out if he likes u and befriend him then after your friendship and u see he likes u then u can tell him that you really like him and then am sure that guy will accept you.

    thank you

  • Reply
    King
    December 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    Dear patricia, don’t ask him out. Keep him closer and don’t flirt or he see you as ho, who falls for everything under trouser. Make him fall in love with you, seeing him regularly is your chance to win him. Hang out with him regularly after work, steal his heart with your love. You will know when he’s in love with you, then withdraw yourself and let him work a little to earn it or he will take it for granted and dump you when you least expect it. Reason I say this, he’s in a relationship and most definitely pre-occupied. A move will scare him away or use and dump you. You can email me for more simoncookzu@hotmail.com

    • Reply
      Faustina
      December 4, 2012 at 10:06 am

      i agree with u.totally wat i would do if i was in her shoes

  • Reply
    Kehinde Adedeji
    December 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    so fare u like the guy,u can first approach him

  • Reply
    vanessa
    December 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Criously dia’s nattin rong wif xpressin ur feelns buh @da same tym I fil u̶̲̥̅̊ shld jst gv him a lil mre tym possibly he’s got feelns 4 yew 2 buh he doesn’t wanna rush in2 it gdluck

  • Reply
    Lyday
    December 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Dear girlfriend,I think in your situation where the guy is in a relationship, it may not be best to take the plunge especially if the lady he is seeing ain’t giving him problems. I personally don’t think his current relationship is great all the same with all the times he creates to spend with u. However ,what I think is ideal for your own safety is that u make him define what he truly wants from u even if he isn’t nursing it yet. Give him a sudden space. If he misses u greatly,he’d ask questions(and pls be very honest with your responses) and hopefully want sth deeper so that u don’t give him such space again. If he doesn’t,that might just be your cue to move on and enjoy the friend zone(sad) . Simply let him realise it if he wants u and not vice versa. That way,u won’t lose either ways. And u can keep ur pride and friendship. But ,who knows u might be lucky. Ciao!

  • Reply
    adeolawise ayotunde
    December 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    its a bad idea 4 lady 2 ask a gay out on their frist outin, it depends on hw she feels.

  • Reply
    Okparachukwu Rita
    December 3, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    If d feeling is frm d heart then go get what u want, there´s noffin wrong if u tell a guy how u feel about him

  • Reply
    princess
    December 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    I totally agree with king. It will be a very dangerous move for a lady to ask a guy out, or even to flirt around him. He will see u as desperate, and the value he would have had for u if its the other way round wouldn’t be there. Its a just a feeling u are having believe me and it can be controlled. What about if this guy is not into u and just want u as a friend? It is totally a wrong step my dear! Check out ur motives u will realize its a wrong step

  • Reply
    Nandom Bulus
    December 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    I tink u should ask him out. Bt knw wot u want 2go into 1st

  • Reply
    David Godwin
    December 3, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Am sure if d guy had no feelings 4 u he wuldnt av bin goin out wid u 4 movies,nd myb he is also worried dat u might turn his offer down cos u knw dat he is in a relationship wid sum1 else so its ur turn 2 do d AM IN LOVE WID U STURF, so dat he wil b sure of his feelings 4 u…

  • Reply
    sarah irobun
    December 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    there is northing bad,if he say no belive the guy is not your

  • Reply
    nwamarah uche
    December 3, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    There is nothing wrong for a girl to make the first move. If she really love the guy she can ask him out. No mature guy will turn down a lady, if the guy want to decline he will go about in such a manner that he will not embarrass the lady. The watchword here is maturity

  • Reply
    solomon emmanuel
    December 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    there patrecia! is a god thing to love a man and bad to ask him out, is bad in the sense that he will think you are cheap, there are moves you can make but it got to be diplomatic, if you want to be closer to him…in some men it works just come closer and open up and ask him for his input in this man that want to go out with you, his reaction will show if heis interested in you

  • Reply
    Ajoke Tunde
    December 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    It Better u don’t ask him out,becos he will never never respect u.hold on to God and he will give u ur kind of Man.

  • Reply
    archer
    December 3, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    well, i dont see anythinf there for you not to express yourself,but to be on a safer side.Keep him closer and don’t flirt or he see you as ho, who falls for everything under trouser. Make him fall in love with you, seeing him regularly is your chance to win him. Hang out with him regularly after work, steal his heart with your love. You will know when he’s in love with you, then withdraw yourself and let him work a little to earn it or he will take it for granted and dump you when you least expect it. Reason I say this, he’s in a relationship and most definitely pre-occupied. so, the chance of hangin out with him will make u know somemany things abt him if he is in relationship or not.secondly, the way u present urself to him will make him rush u like a lion and ask u out day.be urself, be reasonable whenever u re with him,when he sees those good quality abt u hmmm nothing will stop him…best of luck….

  • Reply
    Nita
    December 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    There is anything wrong about it, if the girl loves the guy so much she should go for him.

  • Reply
    Chika
    December 3, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Dear Pat, this sound more home wrecker than expressing your emotions. If you were both single, I’d say yeah, put your cards on the table. But he is with someone, and even though you so callously dismiss it as nothing more than a “regular relationship,” it means something to the two people in it. Don’t get in the middle, don’t ruin another’s happiness to get your own. There is this b#&%h called Karna and she will come back to bite you in the a$$. What goes around comes around. He ignores your moves cause he is with someone, leave it alone and pray for an unattached man to come your way. Just saying!

    • Reply
      Mana
      December 11, 2012 at 6:36 pm

      Chika I sooo agree with you! As far the guy is in a relationship, don’t try to break it. If he is interested in you than he will break up with his relationship and start with you. If I were you I wouldn’t rush into such relationship. Give him chance to find out what goes wrong in his relationship.

      http://www.finest-in-internet.com/

  • Reply
    sainou ceesay
    December 3, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    there is na pro on it 4 a lady to see da 1 who she love an to har that i love u cos all feeling in wohmanbeen ar dasame let har get in to it an see da gain she is going to gain there an respet har self too an keep it serious too

  • Reply
    itohan
    December 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Follow Ūя̲̅ heart love

  • Reply
    Daniel
    December 3, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    My dear lady, if u r a christian talk to God abt it cos he answereth everything. But i also see no problem if u make ya feelings knwn to him. If he is matured, he will know ho to hundle it if he doesnt even luv u. This will even let u knw how it will be whn u r with him. GOOD LUCK.

  • Reply
    NellieyBelle
    December 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Here in the western part of the world , its normal to ask him out, but in Naija they will tag you a ‘flirt’. Anyway my advice is to let him be, he is already in a relationship. If he feels the same way too, let him be the one to make the move. If you go ahead, he might end up dating the two of you and then you will get hurt at the end of the day.
    Visit http://www.nellieybelle.blogspot.co.uk today…

  • Reply
    margaret okosun
    December 3, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Hi,don’t ask him out ,he dose not love you with time he will tell you are the one that ask him out .keep your feeling a better one will come your way.

  • Reply
    Inga
    December 3, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Patricia
    I luv dabi and king comment but I feel u should do what dabi said. Remember walk away then things should start falling in place. don’t rush it!!!! but life still goes on if he say no. You already know he have someone no matter how u want to call it. he do. So do what dabi said n see what happen next time when your together.

  • Reply
    Sunday Adex
    December 3, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Is better for her to say it out, this is free world, than to keep it on her mind

  • Reply
    Adaobi
    December 3, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    As 4 me i wl try 2 get close 2 him 2 b able 2 knw d type of person he is so dat i wunt embarrasse my self especially in a society like nig,den i wl make d move.So there’s notn wrong in makn d 1st move only b sure of his level of maturity…..Peace

  • Reply
    innocent
    December 3, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I think the girl should make the move first. If the girl in question is beautiful i believe she will be irresistible to the guy

  • Reply
    Emmanuel Oluwaseunfunmi
    December 3, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Well, to the best of my knowledge, in this part of the world, our civilization is yet to accept that a lady could make the first move.

    While from my perspective, making the first move as a woman is not a big deal except that thread one need to thread the path smartly.

    After-all, what is bad is liking something and showing interest in that thing.

    A lady can show interest diplomatically. Greet him politely the first and second meeting. By the third meeting, smartly pretend that you didn’t see him and if he calls you to greet, there is a future for the two of you but if not, please walk away.

    There is nothing bad in a woman making the first move

  • Reply
    Oge
    December 3, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Dear Patricia, pls do not make d 1st move. Men dnt always gv a damn abt ladies who ask dem out! Especially when they re already in a relationship. Do u expect him 2 lv his girlfriend 4u??? I suggest u leave tins d way they are btween u two. He seems to like u a lot as a friend, if he starts falling 4u, he’ll make a move. I hv a friend who asked a guy out. Ofcourse they dated, but d guy was so insensitive to her feelings! She had 2 call it quits, though she still loved him.. I pray u take d right decision.

  • Reply
    chioma
    December 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    My ‎​ƊƐĄƦ I dnt think there is anytin wrong in asking a guy out,d guy might want sometin more than been a frnd which he wouldn’t knw how to tell u.be bold tell him ur mind ,tell him how much u lv him ,if he accep fine but if he turns Ȋ̝̊̅† down ,fine u will still remain his frnd.

  • Reply
    martha
    December 3, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Listen my dear, its not a bad idea to ask aa man out there’s notin wrong wiv dat. I’ve jst been used and dump ba a guy I asked out and na he’s wit another woman…He said he never ask me out dat I forced myself on him…..now I’m nursing ma wond. “Heartbroken” if u don’t wanna be in a mess jst let de guy and continue 2 be his friend. Iyoboosazuwa@yahoo.com

    • Reply
      martha
      December 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      Listen my dear, its not a bad idea to ask aa man out there’s notin wrong wiv dat. I’ve jst been used and dump ba a guy I asked out and na he’s wit another woman…He said he never ask me out dat I forced myself on him…..now I’m nursing ma wond. “Heartbroken” if u don’t wanna be in a mess jst let de guy be and continue 2 be his friend. Ryt na I’m surfring frm heartbreak Iyoboosazuwa@yahoo.com

  • Reply
    cruise
    December 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Tell him u love him. He would be glad to hear that and he won’t turn u down. I assure u baby.

  • Reply
    Onovo Evelyn
    December 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Dear Patricia, there`s no harm in loving but most men dont appreciate wat they dont work for.I advice u keep closer to him but be mindful not to exbite lustful xters. make him to see dat u worth bin close t,wit dat u find him seeking for ur Love.tanx

  • Reply
    olasunbo
    December 3, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Plz don’t tell him you love him @ d end of d day he will dump you for the girl he loves

  • Reply
    tyna
    December 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    patricia dear , kings is right. u dont hav 2 push it on him cos men culd b funny sumtyms…… pls b kia ful

  • Reply
    Benjamin
    December 3, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Its certainly not a bad thing to ask this fella out, and I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. My ex wife was the one that proposed to me even though I paid for the wedding . But before I can advice you on making the move I will also advice you to stay away if he is already in a relationship, cuz u don’t want someone to do the same thing to you when u start a relationship and become comfortable in it. Lady please look well before u leap.

    • Reply
      Ada
      July 18, 2013 at 12:18 pm

      Probably why she is your ex wife, Lool

  • Reply
    glozzy
    December 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Well if she actually likes d guy she can ask him out but there 80% chances dat d guy would toy wit her feelings coz he’ll tink dat she is d one throwing herself onn him.

  • Reply
    UGWU KEVIN UCHENNA
    December 3, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Yes a lady can make first move but not to the extent of saying it out.I advise patricia to use emotional attitude and communicate to him.If the guy fail to comply,then patricia ought to forget about him.

  • Reply
    Metche
    December 3, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    It is not ideal for a lady to make romantic gestures to a man first especially in this our Nigeria. The man will mistake you for something else. Moreover he is in a relationship and may be that is why he is not paying attention to you.

    I think the best thing you can do is continue to be his friend. Give him time but always be close to him. Gist with and chat with him. I believe one day he will fell in love with you.

    If you make the gesture first and eventually he succumbs, in the near future the man will not have any regard for you. So please hold yourself together and wait.

  • Reply
    Dave B.
    December 3, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Its nt bad making d 1st move,Patricia. Buh y nt also try oda moves jst incase d dude is taking his tym n calculatng on hw 2 win u.
    Kip on seeing him often,get him gifts,shw him hw impt he is ta yu n all d@. If he stil doesn’t gt d picture,avoid him 4 awhile…stop seeing him(nt mindng d fact d@ u’ll b d worst hit)n c if he wunt kum luking 4 yu n ds may end up in a hawt romance…wish yu well gurl kus luv is a beautiful thing!!!

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    December 3, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    for me is not too good cos some men will not give the respect you deserve.

  • Reply
    Innocent
    December 3, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Everything in life is about taking risks or you die in silence,but do not cry if you loose,it is not yours or he may have been shy to open up to you,not all men are bold enough for that.

  • Reply
    ireju iwunze
    December 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Dear Patricia, pls do not make the first move. Talk to God about your feelings for this guy, ask the Holyspirit to help you. If he is for u, he will walk out from that relationship and come looking for u. Be patient, if u make the first move, he will not appreciate, value, honour or respect u!

  • Reply
    Victor
    December 3, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Do u really luv him then look always natural wen clos 2 him and obey him and always advice him bibilically.

  • Reply
    John
    December 3, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    Dear partricia, d guy may not knw dat u hav filln 4 him’ try 2 let him knw dat u hav emotional filln 4 him & dea is notin wrong if u take him out

  • Reply
    Genatone
    December 3, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    Its not bad to say your feeling. we are living in a society that has changed so much. it is even dangerous to your mental status if you keep such a feeling to your self. just go ahead and do it. as for how, use the same language as you would use to ask some one for food and the person doesn’t speak your language. if you can make the person understand you, the you can make your Man understand too.

  • Reply
    Tony buela
    December 3, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    women do it everyday, approach him , and just show signs that ur interested . There is nothing wrong . but immediately u do that , take steps to retreat and let him chase after u, u can say ur busy etc , if he want u , he will run after u ,if he is not , ull know. if u press too hard , he wil;l just bang u and look for someone who will make him chase her

  • Reply
    Osuji uche
    December 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Pls dear respect ur self hav som dignity,if u tell d guy hw u fell he wil definatly tak advantage of u bcos u mst hav a miss under- standing 1 day he wil definatly u dat he neva came 2 u in d first place dat u were d person dat came 2 him,god help u if hes nt around his frnds,jst try som funny move so he wil ask u out 1st pls

  • Reply
    best
    December 3, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    As 4 me l cnt ask a guy out coz deir many wayz 2 kill a rat.!my dear start by cumin close 2 dy guy as a frnd,alway mak sure u cal him often,dan 4rm dai u guyz wil gt 2 knw urself dy more.my dear l asure u dat he wil b urs 4eva.

  • Reply
    Steph
    December 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    nigerian men dont think that way…if he says no, gurl girl get ready to be tagged,anyday anytime he sees you
    even if he says yes(which might most likely happen cos nigerian men dont say no to women) he might no treat you with respect or he might want your body,not you.
    all these might not happen sha people are different,i think you should just catch him with smiles.for me though,i cant ask a guy out no matter what.shame wont let me.Goodluck anyways

  • Reply
    CH
    December 3, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    So, u wanna break up a relationship cos u have feelings for d guy and ur excuse is ‘he’s not engaged’.. How will he be engaged wen u’re already planning to break them up.. Well, goodluck o, wen u eventually get him, may another girl have feelings for him and make d move too.. My advice, go find a real single guy and make your move..

  • Reply
    usman aino
    December 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    my dear, i agree with victor, be natural wheneva u ar with him, tender the situation b4 God for counselling and guidance. Be diplomatic in ur moves.best of luck

  • Reply
    Ada
    December 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Good luck dear! check out my page and comment guys, let’s talk! http://www.adainprogress.blogspot.com

  • Reply
    Grayce
    December 3, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    kill ure hopes..if he had feelings for u, he would have come for u…and i think it is very disrespectful of u to kow that he is in a relationship and u still tryna make advances at him…u wouldnt like if a man did that to u either…and besides know this: IF HE LEAVES THE OTHER PERSON FOR U; HE WILL LEAVE YOU SOMEDAY!!

  • Reply
    Shola Ogunbanwo
    December 4, 2012 at 6:59 am

    There is absolutely nothing bad in that for a lady to ask a guy out,it all depend on the kind of man she is asking out,for him to go watch movies with u,is already a clear signal cos that ought to be done with his fiancee,maybe he is a kind of man that doesnt knw hw to express feelings like that on dis note,gingered him up n stil maintain ur own balance,thanks.

  • Reply
    Faustina
    December 4, 2012 at 10:10 am

    i dont need to make dis long, just take King’s advice,be urself and dnt flirt wit him,if he’s for u he’ll definitely feel with time and make his move.

  • Reply
    vivian
    December 4, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Hmmmm I tink is wrong to ask a guy out.pat just be close to him and pretend not to feel anytin 4 him,if he like u he will definitely tell u dat he loves u.if u ask him out first,he will use it against u in future trust me he will,he will tell u that he never loved u that u were d 1 running after him.

  • Reply
    Gloria
    December 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Its only awkward in Africa. In the western world, where everyone is equal. Its nothing. The thing is, guys are partially cowards(excuse my word). They like a girl but cant be courageous to say it. I think its civil letting out your feelings.

  • Reply
    FIRST LETTER GAME
    December 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    The game of LOVE. Play it. Let him speak first.

  • Reply
    helen bobra
    December 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    A gold fish has no hiding place, God didn’t give women the assignment to search for her man. The best memories in a relationship or marriage is the friendship era. Try not Spoiling it by rush, savor the moment. If it ends up as mere friendship, fine. Even friends all have parts to play in our lives. Wisdom is profitable to direct. None of us can direct u, only God can, we can only advice u.

  • Reply
    Owen
    December 5, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Patricia dont! but before you make a move be informed, i mean there are lots of online articles that will help you. Tips on getting a man that has a serious relationship, how to be a man’s dreamgirl etc. I like to recommend a book, a must read for single and married ladies, ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ by Sherry Argov. Goodluck sister. Thumbs up Steph. %

  • Reply
    Obinna Gabriel
    December 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Never admit fauliure until U made ur last attempt, do not make ur last attempt until U succeed. Is all about ur own wish, it doesn’t matter who came first. Remember: things never been straight @ 2, but you can if only you can.

  • Reply
    LINDA LOPEZ
    December 10, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    He’s in a relationship “Regular” or “Non-Engaged”. Let him be.

  • Reply
    Neah Ruth
    January 3, 2013 at 5:26 am

    If he is in a relationship and isn’t even noticing your moves…leave him alone!!! He already has a girlfriend, find someone else, period! Don’t cheapen yourself by going after someone who is already in a relationship, he may just see you as a friend thats it so leave it at that and let him make the first move!!!

  • Reply
    Jacob Val King
    January 25, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Yes… it’s gives me the open door to occupy my territory fast.

  • Reply
    anthony dugbo
    February 11, 2013 at 5:37 am

    Keep at it without necessarily rushing at thing. Continue to be yourself. That is a subtle way of making ur presence felt until such a time he will open up to u his love and he will also indirectly give u green light if he is not so down with whom he is with presently. love always wins!

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